Now, I had to correct myself, for I really don't hate all people. I just get really, really annoyed at a lot of them. And of those lot, I get severely annoyed at probably 99% of pedestrians in New York. And I can't just blame New Yorkers themselves, because a lot of the problem definitely comes from tourists too.
(photo by Bryan Bruchman)After I escaped the large man in the crosswalk, I arrived at work, getting into an elevator which quickly filled up. Just as the doors were about to close on a full car, lo and behold yet another large, slow man decides to forcefully displace bodies so as to make room for his extra-large girth. Once inside, he proceeds to open up the newspaper, and has the audacity to get slightly irked at having to close the paper and only semi-move aside for others to squeeze past his bulge onto their floors.
Come on people. I do not want to hate you. Here is my official Guide to New York Etiquette for New Yorkers and Tourists. Obey, or suffer some good old fashioned New York wrath.
UMBRELLAS
Umbrellas shelter you from getting wet when it rains. Or, it could be argued, hot sun, even though I personally can't stand umbrellas on a beautiful sunny day. Anyway, like I said - umbrellas shelter you from the rain. This means that if it is cloudy but otherwise an un-rainy day, there is no rain to be sheltered from. So do NOT walk around with an open umbrella when there is not a drop of rain falling from the sky. You look like an idiot and take up too much room on the sidewalk for no reason. (photo by jdvc)- Umbrellas are pointy. This leads me to two sub-rules:
When you must use an umbrella, do not use the largest golf umbrella you can find. New York streets are crowded. Nobody appreciates you taking up half the sidewalk, and definitely nobody appreciates a poke in the eye. And you probably aren't going to prevent a few drops from dampening your shoes anyway. (photo by lorenzodom)
When it has ceased raining and you are walking around with your folded up umbrella, why do you feel it is okay to swing your umbrella pointed behind you? Let me repeat: New York streets are crowded. There is probably someone right behind you. You wouldn't want to accidentally stab that someone in the spleen, cause him or her to bleed uncontrollably, and end up an inadvertent murderer now would you? (photo by dev null)
You're not the only person going somewhere, and no, you're not more important than everyone else around you. You're probably not the only one late and in a hurry either. Which means that you are not, in fact, entitled to weave in between the crowd in the lobby and snag the next free elevator despite the fact that all those people were waiting ahead of you. (photo by aLdo&mich)
Okay, so you didn't follow rule 1 and you made it into the elevator. Asshole. Now don't be even MORE of an asshole and frantically jam the "door close" button. Again, everybody is probably in just as much a rush as you. Is arriving maybe 4.2 seconds earlier than had you not repeatedly pressed the button really worth you looking like more of an obnoxious tool? Think about it. Oh, and if you see someone rushing towards the closing doors and there's room in your elevator, why not dig deep, find a little courtesy, and hit the "door open" button to let them in? I'm sure you'd appreciate if someone did that for you. You are in a rush after all, remember? It's really not that hard to be "elevator-friendly" as Real Housewife of NYC Jill Zarin calls it:
(photo by mag3737)
Okay, okay, so that dude just totally cut the crowd and weaseled his way into that elevator. And the doors are closing, and you're in a rush. And he's not making any effort to hold the door for you. We sympathize, trust me. But don't go and stick your hand in the crack at the last second please. Don't hold up everyone else just for your sake. Let it go, breathe deep. I promise another elevator is coming in just a few seconds. (photo via getty)
DOORS
- Hold them. Regardless of whether you are a guy or a girl, and regardless of whether the person you are going to be holding the door for is a guy or a girl. Just hold the damn door.
- And if some nice person does a rare thing and holds the door for you, be sure to say "thank you". (photo by gexydaf)
Okay, so think of the sidewalk as a highway. Maybe the corner you're about to turn or the subway station you're about to exit is an on-ramp or an intersection. You wouldn't make a full-speed, blind left turn onto the highway now would you? Because you'd cross through dangerous oncoming traffic, right? Yeah. Exactly. Same thing with sidwalks. People currently on them are traveling fast and purposefully. Merge with existing pedestrian traffic carefully please - you'll avoid head-on collisions and road rage. Also, note to tourists: this is America - we drive so that oncoming traffic passes on our left. (photo by gaspi)
Do not stand/sit/chat/smoke/text/take photos in the middle of the sidewalk. I'm sorry, tourists. If you need to arch your neck, look up at the spectacular skyscrapers, and take a photo, do not do so from the middle of the sidewalk. Step aside, stat. Unfortunately I cannot guarantee that I will not accidentally walk brusquely into your shot. If you need to look at a map, step into a nook or doorway. If you are an obnoxious New Yorker on an obnoxious smoke break, get out of my effing way. Thank you. (photo by hotdogger13)
Do not, I repeat, do NOT text and walk. You slow down traffic, walk into people, and generally do not respect, nor or are aware of, your surroundings. This is one of the worst offenses you can commit, and if I see you doing this I will have to repress an all-consuming knee-jerk reaction to stab you in the spleen with my umbrella. Intentionally, not accidentally. (photo by obLiterated)
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